I use Red Bull the way 1980’s Yuppies used Cocaine.

So, I’m slowly realizing that I may have a problem.  This problem is that I drink Red Bull too much.   As the title of this post suggests I use it like 1980’s urban professionals used cocaine.  I use it when I have a big meeting that I need to feel lively for, to perk myself up when I am tired, to make myself more entertaining around other people, to get through awkward social functions, hell I even use it to get women over to my apartment (why don’t we start at my place I think I have some vodka and Red Bull).  The uses for this product are literally endless, and unfortunately so is my appetite for it.

I remember the first time I had it, back then, it was non-carbonated and it came in little glass vials with Thai writing on it.  You see the Red Bull that is common today was illegal in Canada until only a couple of years ago, so all that you could get back in 2000 was the Thai Red Bull imports and it tasted like shit.

  Back in these days I would have Red Bull with Vodka on ice and it wouldn’t taste very good at all but it would do a job.  Like anyone I started slowly having it once in while at parties, only when other people were doing it.  Right away I noticed that whenever I had it the party seemed to spin out of control, people became less inhibited, and I could keep partying for hours.  It was a fun innocent habit that somehow seemed to match the carefree feeling of the time.  But then in 2003 everything changed.  In 2003 Red Bull as it is now understood by North American culture was released in Canada.

 The first thing that happened was that Red Bull became mainstream cool.  It was no longer only sold in shady Korean bodegas that you had to walk out of your way to get to, now you could get it at any grocery store or gas station.  The can it self became cool to, it was clean and streamlined in a much sexier package then the grimy glass bottles it came in before.  All of the sudden it became acceptable to have a Red Bull in class in the same way that it was fine to drink a Pepsi.  I no longer had to be ashamed that I was having a Red Bull in the library, everyone was doing it.  I carried this habit through my first year in the work world and with me to Miami.  Only in Miami could a small 2 can a week habit turned into what I have now, a 6 can a day problem.  I don’t know what it is about Miami that led me to this problem, maybe it’s the fact that the bars close at 5 and work starts at 9, or maybe it’s the sunshine that doesn’t let me catch the frequent cat naps I became accustomed to while I was in the grey of Toronto and Montreal.  Either way this problem needs to be addressed soon or I know something bad will happen.

Does anyone know of a way that I can ween myself off of this product? I’ve tried smoking a pipe but it tends to dry my mouth out and I alway have to wet it up will a splash of RB.  The only other thought that I had was PCP, but that made work more difficult and less enjoyable.  I’m out of ideas and I need help.



Filed under I have a problem, It gives me wings, Life, Red Bull, Red Bull AA

4 responses to “I use Red Bull the way 1980’s Yuppies used Cocaine.

  1. fruffy

    I think if someone forced you to sit down and watch the commercials all day on loop you would never touch the stuff again. Then again you’d probably be feeling pretty groggy from watching TV all day. Quite a pickle. I’ve been sleeping about 14 hours a day recently so I can’t exactly say I know what you’re going through.

  2. Why do you want to stop this glorious ride?? It sounds like you are having the time of your life. Commit to Redbull forever. Don’t repulse that monkey.

  3. Uki

    This could lead to serious health complications in the future by burning out your adrenalin glands.

  4. meh

    This is what happened to me with RB too. Only can tell you that you can drink Aquarius or something alike, I know , its not the same, but at least it doesnt contains taurine and caffeine (wich hurts your body), but still a nice fresh and cool tasty drink

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