Monthly Archives: July 2007

Conchords Motherflippin’ Rule

This is the funniest show on television right now.  If you’re not watching it you’re an idiot. 

Here’s the official site if you want to check it out.

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Filed under Bret, HBO, Jemaine, The Flight of the Conchords

Life Rule #1.

I don’t have many rules that I live my life by but I’ve determined that the following is definitely one:

If someone asks you to be on a talk show and they don’t tell you why, you probably shouldn’t go. If when you get there they put you in a soundproof room while your friends and/or family go on camera ahead of you, you should run from the studio as fast as you can. No good at all can come from this. The only reason that they are putting you in a sound proof is so that the audience can see the look on your stupid face as they make an ass of you.

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Filed under Life, Life Rules, Soundproof Rooms, Talk Shows

Actober

Watching ESPN tonight I saw the stupidest contest that I have ever seen any professional sports league run.  For those of you who are unaware Actober is a contest where entrants create an original reenactment of any memorable play from the baseball playoff.  Winners of this contest are given tickets to a game during this years World Series.

There are several things which bother me about this contest, not the least of which is that it is derivative.  This campaign is a clearly a rip-off of the NFL Network’s contest to make a commercial that would run at the end of the Super Bowl.  Obviously the goal is to then put all of the entries on youtube and hope that anyone with a blog will talk about them, thus generating a serious amount of viral content.  While I do believe that viral marketing is a very important new way for companies to generate interest, I’m getting really tired of adverting which is based around the consumer generating the content.  I’d love to be in the room while the advertising agency pitched this winner idea.

Advertising Exec: “Uhhhh..  so what we’re going to do is let the fan create a better version of a great play then we can, and then we’re going to use that as our commerical.”

MLB Official:  “That’s brilliant!! But how are we going to let the fans know about this contest?”

Advertising Exec:  “Two Words: Dane Cook”

MLB Official:  “Brilliant everybody likes him!!”

This is where I feel I have to end this post;  I don’t even want to get into Dane Cook.  I need to dedicate more time to making fun of him then I am willing to give at this point.

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Filed under Advertising, Dane Cook, Life, MLB, Sports

Soccer – Not That Shitty

argentina-asses.jpg 

Yesteday I was lucky enough to attend the two final games of the FIFA Under 20 World Cup.  It was a fantastic experience.  So far I haven’t been able to get to a Toronto FC game so this was my first visit to the new stadium as well.  It is perfect.  Small enough to seem intimate but big enough to be loud as hell and look professional.  Seeing this only highlighted in my mind the need for a new outdoor preferrably waterfront stadium in Toronto for the Jays and Argos.  Unfortunately we’re probably stuck with the sterile monstrousity that is the Skydome/Centre Rogers for many years.  Enough about that, lets get to the action.

The bronze medal game was between Chile and Austria.  I’m pretty sure you already know that Chile’s team was involved in a pretty insane altercation with the cops after the last game which led to some hostility from Chilean fans outside the stadium but perhaps they were just pissed they couldn’t get seats and were trying to watch from there.  The game was pretty entertaining.  My favourite part was watching this one flashy Chilean forward who absolutely refused to pass.  He must have gone on at least ten runs, making fantastic moves only to be stripped of the ball when it mattered.  He also had the most boss rat-tail I’ve seen in a while.  I think that the rat-tail is becoming the new mullet in soccer.  The mullet has just become to mainstream and boring for these guys.

The final game got off to a very slow start.  The Czech and Argentine players both seemed unwilling to give an inch.  A yellow card was given less than a minute into the game and the ref did not stop issuing them.  In all 10 yellow’s were given along with millions of free kicks forced by ferocious diving from both sides.  The first goal was a beauty, perhaps the nicest of the tournament which came early in the second half.  A left footed volley from Fenin of the Czech Republic.  The honeymoon didn’t last long as Argentina scored almost immediately.  They then went ahead with just minutes remaining to ice a game and tournament that they truly deserved to win.  They were the strongest side and I’m sure many of their players will go on to be dominant for years to come.  The celebration that ensued was something that cannot be described.  In fact, it’s quite possible that the players are still running around the stadium shirtless doing choreographed group headfirst slides into their collection of trophies.  They even grabbed drums from their fans and put on an impromptu concert while receiving their medals.  The highlight was when one fan jumped onto the pitch to join the team celebrating at one goal.  He was surrounded by the team and security was unable to grab him.  Eventually players shielded him all the way back to the stands where he lept back in unscathed.  Here’s a video of the goals from the final if you’re interested.  When I think soccer I think Blink 182. 

All in all it was a great day.  Viewing scantily clad beautiful South American fans, yelling at adolescent youth for their dramatic flair and poor choice in barbers, and overindulging in massive overpriced beers definitely have their merits.

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Filed under Argentina, Austria, Chile, Czech Republic, Fifa, rat-tails, soccer, u-20

Just like email only way more fun.

3-D mailbox just might be the stupidest program I have encounter this year on the internet.  How is it acceptable that something this ridiculous be created in the year 2007?  Everything about this program screams developed in the early nineties right down to the Indian Jones-esque trailer.    What the hell is up with the graphics?  Look at the damn shark!  The whole project sort of looks like one of those games you could buy at the pharmacy on floppy disk in 1998.  While I’m still trying to figure the program out, it looks like each of your email may be delayed for several minutes trying to get past the bouncer.  But that sounds reasonable considering the element of fun that is added to getting an email.

I’m perplexed, usually I can at least figure out who the target audience of a program is but with this one I’m stumped.  They cannot be aiming at people who use the internet heavily because it is too retarded a program for anyone who works on a computer and it won’t appeal to an internet novice because it just too confusing and obscure.  Worst of all, the person who made the fucking thing is probably some sort of Internet millionaire.  Apparently this fucking program runs with a staff of 40 leading me to ask one question, “Who the fuck invested enough money to get this ape shit off the ground?”  Finally I should mention that while I absolutely hate that the first (and at this point only) level is in South Beach at a hotel called “3D mailbox hotel,” I do find it somewhat fitting. 

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Filed under 3-D Mailbox, Action, consumerism, Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Worst Ever

Power Rankings “Friday July 13th 2007”

1.      Laziness:  For the record these are last week’s Power Rankings they should have been published before I left work on Friday but instead they go up during work on Wednesday because I took Monday off.  I’m not going to include anything from this weekend in these rankings because that would leave me nothing to write about on Friday… Essentially this one has already been mailed in and I’m writing about stuff that is painfully old (Antoine Walker for example)  I’m going to try to pull it back together and get them up more regularly again.

2.      The Ultimate Warrior:  I didn’t realize when I was a kid how fucking crazy the Ultimate Warrior was, I mean look at this guy, he’s nuts.  Some of the golden nuggets that can be drawn from Ultimate Warrior interviews include: “Should I lay on the ground and let lawnmowers run over me?” and “Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel … Load it with Commands.“  I also find it really funny that after the whole Chris Benoit thing they needed an “unaffiliated expert” to do the rounds of the local talk shows so they asked the Warrior.

3.      Antoine Walker Gets Robbed:  Big news this week was that Antoine Walker was robbed at gun point by either the Ultimate Warrior or Kimbo slice.  It is unclear how ‘Twan was able to keep the criminals from getting a shot off.

4.      Parts and Labor  A New York City based math rock band in the same vein as Battles.  This group has set itself apart through its first three albums by incorporating some unique instruments into their music.  For example very few rock groups include bagpipes as integral instrumentation. “Perhaps most notable of all, Parts and Labor twist and distort just enough to be challenging, yet carry through with a melody that ultimately makes them entirely accessible. Look out for these dudes.”  (www.ohmyrockness.com) 5.      Cold Tea:  In Toronto this weekend I did my absolute favorite thing.  Cold Tea.  For those of you who “aren’t in the know” Cold Tea is getting boozed in Chinese food restaurants after the bars close.  The thing is they can’t legally serve you booze so they end up giving it to you in tea pots so that the Fuzz can’t figure it out.  I realized that the reason why I like cold tea so much is because it’s like a family dinner, only really late and everyone is wasted (so at my family it’s more like a Thanksgiving Dinner).

6.      Dice Games:  We were playing dice games at the bar in Toronto.  It started out with the loser being forced to chug a beer or buy a pitcher, but then the game quickly transformed into $5 rolls.  It was funny by gambling in the bar with dice we instantaneously became the belle of the ball.  By the end we had a small crowd gathering around us, asking if they could play.  The climaxed with game where the winner got $75.  

7.      Paintball:  In Toronto my friend Jo came up with the brilliant idea that we should go play paintball.  On first thought this sounds really great idea, but when we get there it turns out that paintball arenas are a breeding ground for psychopaths.  I’m telling you everyone in there could easily go Columbine and you wouldn’t be surprised.  Anyway, 4 of us ended up going Jo, her sister Sarah, Tim and I.  Of all of us, Sarah who I had met about 15 minutes before, was the most afraid of being hit.  Anyway after getting the rules explained to us, we head out to play.  Within 5 minutes of the start of the game the four of us avoiding getting hit.  I’m looking over one end of a building and Jo and Sarah scream.  I turn around firing and end up accidentally shooting Sarah from about 5 feet away.  I start to feel like an ass.

8.      MLB:  I’m going to Boston and New York this weekend to visit some friends.  One of the glorious benefits of the trip is that I am going to go to Fenway and Yankee stadium to see a couple of Jays games.  I’m really excited.

9.      Los Campesinos – (http://www.myspace.com/loscampesinos) a very young (as in age) alt-rock band out of Cardiff.  They just signed with arts and crafts.   They’re pretty fuckin’ sweet with a good Interpol type sound.

10.  Transformers:   I saw it on Wednesday night, and I have to say I was really impressed.  It wasn’t good, but it was a lot of fun.  I especially enjoyed how Michael Bay managed to maintain the story of cartoon that I used to love what I was kid, I also really liked the way that they kept  the original sound that the cartoon made when the robots transformed. 

11.  Random facebook picture of a kid from my high school:

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 12.  Alley Cats:  So I was walking behind my house and I saw an alley cat that had been hit by a car.  I was really sad the cat was as flat as a pancake

13.  Kimbo Slice: I haven’t heard of him killing anyone lately so he slides slightly down the list at least until I can confirm that he was in no way involved in robbing Antoine.

14.  Getting Solicited for my blood:  A couple weeks before I moved south there was a blood drive in my building… Being the upstanding citizen that I am I decided that I should give some of my precious life fuel.  I did and it was fine.  What happened next though sort of irritated me.  Last week the blood bank called me, thanking me for giving blood and asking to give again.  I thought about, and was a little irritated for being asked but finally said that I would.  The operator then informed me that the closest bank was in Hialeah which is like 28 miles from my house.  It irritated me beyond, but I went gave blood and told them that they were only allowed to call back if they had a blood drive at a catholic girl’s high school.

15.  Not being able to thing of a way to end the post:  I feel like David Chase.

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Filed under Ally Cats, David Chase, douchebags, Kimbo, Life, Power Rankings, Sports

Oh man!! Why can’t they make movies like this any more?

I may be a bit of a wuss, but this scene is unreal.  There’s no reason that Aliens alway have to be scary and shit.  Sometimes they can just be curious you know?

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Filed under E.T., Life