Old Balls+Action=An Interesting Debate

rambo.jpgindiana2.jpgmcclane.jpg

It came to my attention yesterday that a new Rambo movie will be hitting
theatres in the next year.  See the new trailor here.  As a loyal reader of
Sacs in the City you already know that Indiana Jones will be back on the
silver screen soon as well.  Unless you live under a rock you should also be
aware of the newest Die Hard film.  With all three of these movies dropping,
an internal debate amongst your loyal editors began as to which character -
John J. Rambo, Indiana Jones, or John McClane – reigns supreme in the world of
geriatric action stars.  In order to rate them we’ll compare them in three
categories – who we’d rather fight, who we’d rather get drunk with, and who
likely does better with the femininas. 

Put up your dukes:

In this category I think the winner is pretty clear.  Rambo is a literal one many army.  He obliterated a whole Sheriff’s Department in First Blood, takes on the Vietnamese, Soviets and corrupt American superiors in First Blood: Part II, and tries to prevent the war effort in Afghanistan from ever even beginning in Rambo III.  That’s a serious laundry list of enemies, and John J. doesn’t discriminate.  He dominates everyone in sight with some of the best weapons ever seen.  John McClane has had to deal with some pretty crazy Euro Sleaze-bag terrorists as well as some ex-special forces Americans but I don’t know if he’s up to Rambo’s level.  Indie has only had to deal with Nazi’s over the years and that’s just lame.  Plus I just can’t respect the whip.  The latest rumour I heard about the new one is that it has an alien twist.  I really hope that’s untrue but either way Indie is a straight up Nancy compared to the other two.  If we took weapons out of the equation here’s what I think might happen if I stepped up toe to toe against the three.  Rambo probably either rips my windpipe out or punches my head off.  John McClane stabs me with an icicle through the eye-socket.  I’m pretty sure I could take Indie down with a nice right hook to the jaw.  In this category the nod goes to John J. with a close second to McClane.

Party time:

We here a Sacs in the City enjoy a few casuals from time to time and there is no doubt that we would love to get crunk with all three of these legends.  If we’re all at a bar together I’m pretty sure Rambo would annoy the shit out of me because he’s such a depressed, whiny bitch.  On top of that, I can barely understand the guy sober so I’m pretty sure some serious sub-titles would be necessary after a few.  Indie would be cool because he’s a pretty smart dude and I’m sure would have lots of crazy shit ready to blow my mind, but he’s probably the type of asshole that brings a book to the bar and reads it by himself in the corner.  McClane, well he’s definitely my pick.  Just looking at the guy you can tell he can party his face off.  He’d be the first guy to throw a punch, jump on the fat chick grenade for a buddy or drop to his knees for an impromptu silent drum solo on the street outside the bar.  No question here, I’m getting saucy with John McClane.

Who’s got game:

This is a tough one to gauge, especially since I lack a vagina to tell me what to do.  Since I don’t know any “real” women, I called in fellow blogger abarclay12 for some advice.  Here’s her take:

I’m gonna have to go with John McClane.  He was funny and hot and that’s my type.  Rambo needed major antidepressants, and Indiana Jones was always off on adventures to crazy places I don’t go to, like India.

You heard it here first, chicks like funny and hot guys.  I do tend to agree though.  McClane is just such a hard-ass and has a never ending supply of amazing one-liners.  Indie has had his share of love interests and I’m sure he doesn’t disappoint.  He’s a pretty smart cookie and not too tough on the eyes either.  The travelling would probably appeal to many as well.  Rambo looks like he’s been in about twelve too many kick to the face contests, and most ladies aren’t usually enthused by the thought of bedding down in a nice patch of jungle rainforest. 

All in all, I think John McClane is a hands down winner.  Indie is all brains, no brawn.  Plus he’s afraid of snakes.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going near those fuckers but in this contest that’s a major strike against him.  Rambo is an absolute killing machine but lacks any semblance of a personality.  McClane is the total package.  He loves walking on glass, mocks his enemies after stealing weapons off his victims (HO HO HO, Now I have a machine gun,) and knows Reginald VelJohnson.  He has truly Yipeekayee’d his way into my heart.  Disagree?  Don’t be shy.

5 Comments

Filed under Action, Bruce Willis, Die Hard, Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones, Movies, Old Balls, Rambo, Sylvester Stallone, Violence

5 responses to “Old Balls+Action=An Interesting Debate

  1. What a blog! I love it. How random is comparing these guys? I do want to say, though, that even though I’d choose McClane, I’d definitely have lunch with John Rambo somewhere because it would be fun to see what he ordered, whether he’d wear that jade amulet his girlfriend gave him, and of course, whether he’d use his badass hunting knife to cut his own food. Plus, he’d probably flip out if a car tire backfired. How hilarious would that be?

  2. rich brownholer

    i think you guys wrote this article after a hot gay love making session. How hilarious would it be for John Rambo to ………….. skull fuck ya bro?

  3. fenny

    K, first of all, Johnny J. wouldn’t be “ordering” anything ’cause he’d be too busy hunting and stabbing his food to death… second, unless you like the smell of Napalm with your Snake-wich, I suggest you do “lunch” in some bomb shelter, ’cause you ain’t gonna have time to eat shit w/ Johnny 4 in the house, WORD.

  4. Elvi Patterson!

    Reginald Vel Johnson is my favorite gay actor ever. Everytime I see him in somethign I call him by his Family Matters character. GAY CARL! Go Gay Carl! Fight for equal rights and parades!!

  5. Jerod Brown

    Someone has been left out of this conversation. So he’s never taken on armies or terrorists technically, he did single-handedly end the Cold War, and I’m pretty sure he’s the only one of the four to get his own statue in a major US city. Rambo is kickass, but a headcase. Indiana is a college professor, only kiss-ass students and slutty undergrads want to spend any time with a college professor outside the classroom. McClane is a funny guy, you’d be entertained, but I think after “With Avengeance” he is a recovering alcoholic, plus he is divorced, he’d probably only talk about his ex-wife and how he never sees his kids.

    Rocky Balboa, though, you could spend the whole night eating and drinking at Adrian’s Restaurant, talking old boxing memories, plus, here’s an added bonus, Paulie would be there tying one on with you and the Stallion. The man went toe to toe with the heavyweight champ while pushing 60, he is an American Hero and bonafide badass. “If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!” Ended the Cold War

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